10 things IT groups need to know about The Rapture

To avoid surprises (“Gosh, I had no idea she was a Christian” or “I had no idea I wasn’t”), automate! Get your staff writing scripts to handle the data backups, software updates, scheduled maintenance, business reports; set up self-service Web portals for the UnRaptured.
8. Be informed. But not too informed.

 

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iPad apps like “When Christians Disappear – The Rapture” can provide Scripture references and background, so you can nod knowledgeably when you get caught in the crossfire between Dispensationalist Premillennialists (Rapture first, then return of Christ) and Amillennialists (no literal 1,000-year-rule of the returned Christ), not to mention Postmillennialists and Historic Premillennialists. Just keep nodding: At all costs avoid taking a side.

(Don’t bother with “The Rapture Detector,” which promises to notify you 30 minutes before The Moment, giving you time to be saved. Even though Jesus and the Church assures us, “But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is,” [Mark 13:32,33] Camping is precise: 6 p.m. local time, wherever you are.)

7. Avoid disruption.

At 5:45 p.m. Saturday, invite all the Christians on staff to pray in a conference room or auditorium. That way you minimize the network and systems disruption, not to mention the drama, when they all vanish.

6. Review all software licenses.

Make sure they don’t expire immediately before or after The Rapture.

Despite being employees of West Coast companies, your Cisco or Microsoft reps might be among the missing (possibly less likely with Apple). Afterward, you might be able to push for a Rapture Discount on new software and hardware.
5. Install mobile device management software.

With an application like MobileIron, you can shut down and lock, and later locate, any cellphones left behind by Raptured staff. Otherwise you could be hit with huge data charges if the phones were on and online when their users were taken. And make sure they’re all equipped with bumpers so when they hit the desk or the pavement they won’t break.
4. Postpone the upgrade to Windows 7.

You could save money (fewer users) and avoid disruptions (missing tech support staff) by waiting until after The Rapture to move to Microsoft’s Windows 7 operating system.
3. Block all internal video transmissions and external streaming for 48 hours.

Let’s face it, if you’re in a telepresence conference and people start blinking out, it’s bound to be disconcerting. Plus, you just know YouTube is going to be flooded with video clips of people’s family, friends, acquaintances, or worse, themselves, poofing into thin air. The UnRaptured won’t be able to stop themselves from clicking on the links, and the video traffic will bring your network to its knees.
2. Hit upper management for expanded IT funding.

Explain The Rapture to them as the ultimate cloud initiative. They won’t know what you’re talking about, but they know the cloud is cool and important. They’ll just keep nodding as they sign the checks.